June 20, 2013: The Book A Selfish Life? has been made available ONLINE FOR FREE at WWW.ASELFISHLIFE.COM
Is choosing to remain childless selfish? When I found myself unable to have a baby by natural conception, I began wondering and questioning myself; my morals; my ethics; and my motives. I lost countless nights of sleep on the “what if’s” of life: What if I don’t have the patience required to do the job? What if I lose my baby at an early age? What if I’m told the child I’m carrying has down syndrome or some other disease? How will I react?
I questioned whether I could make the necessary decisions to ensure the best outcome for my child and worried about failing as a mother. After draining myself of the “what if’s”, I began to wonder whether I was truly committed to having a baby or whether I was just following the herd. Nature was the one that said no to me so why did I feel so guilty? Why, after years of trying to become pregnant, did I feel so guilty when I finally gave up and chose to live my life on a whim? Why did I care so much about what everyone around me thought? Was I worried about disappointing my family? Was I worried about losing our friends?
A couple we met in Australia once said to us, “You will suddenly find that you have nothing in common with your friends. Once they start having children they stop having that glass of wine. You'll want to hang out but they won't be able to because they have to be home by nine. And, unless you make the effort to meet them on their “child proof” terms, you will most likely lose that friendship with time." Our Australian friends smiled at our dismay and added, "But you will survive. And you will move on. And you will eventually find new friends. And to your old friends, you will always live “A Selfish Life?””. Well, unfortunately, our Australian friends were right.
Now that we're at the end of our childbearing journey, I have decided that choosing to remain childless is the most difficult choice a couple or an individual will ever make. The decision doesn't come lightly: if you’re in a same sex relationship, you probably lose sleep worrying about the quality of life society will allot your child; If you’re a worry wart, like myself, you lose sleep worrying about everything under the sun that could go wrong; If you’re infertile, you are probably completely stressed out as you’re going over your financial resources and your alternatives respectively; and if you’re career driven, maybe life just took too long to come together and you find yourself out of time and scrambling. We (the childless by choice or circumstance) are the people who are forced to dwell on our actions and the consequences-either way. Unlike the larger part of society, my suspicion being that for the most part they simply follow the flow of the river, we have a heavier burden to carry.
I've decided that it’s unfair to judge the decisions made by those who find themselves in the difficult position of having to choose between children and sanity. Having gone through the mental and emotional processing- yes processing- of remaining childless; and learning to accept the regret that may lie down the road ahead, I truly don’t wish it on anyone. It is a fact that there are regrets both ways and, the truth is, unless you are the person forced to make the choice, it really is almost impossible for an observer to grasp and understand a person’s circumstance. The “what if’s” in life combined with the pressures of life, religion, and society can almost be maddening.
(Please comment on circumstance not judgment.)
You hit the nail on the head! I don't have kids because I never had the urge and when I see my friends with thier kids I know I made the right choice for myself.
ReplyDeleteA Selfish Life, has so many twists and turns. Each and every one made me stop and think. There are so many perspectives to consider. You really do not realize how many opinions are out there until you "walk in someone else's shoes." And even then, do we really have the right to judge the choices others have made? I enjoyed reading this book and could not put it down. I found myself questioning "who" I related to the most and was surprised at the answer.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I chose not to have children. I am 38 and couldn't be happier. I am glad that you are coming to terms with your decision to stop when nature held you back. There is NOTHING wrong with that. Our path seems to have been easier: our families are understanding, I have friends without children, and I love my freedom and independence. Salute to the childless!
ReplyDeleteAs a young woman, I thought it would be interesting to be pregnant and give birth but I was overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising a child. My mother taught me that childrearing was a huge responsibility and not to be taken lightly. I knew that I would have to find the right person to be a father and have the financial resources to raise a good, decent, and contributing member of society. Later, I met my future husband who had two children from a previous relationship. He would have had more children if I had wanted them but by then I realized that I didn’t want the responsibility of raising a child. I wanted something more from life. Why is that considered “selfish”? Wouldn’t it be selfish to have children (because you are expected to or because your family wants you to or for whatever other reason) when you’re not sure you want them? Yes, most of my female friends don’t have children but are happy nonetheless. It’s a life choice. I am able to follow my own path, to travel, to make decisions that affect only my husband and myself. It’s very liberating. Those of us who choose not to be called “Mom” know our own limits and what we wanted from life. And it frees us to give love to others’ children. What could be wrong with that?
ReplyDeleteI really did enjoy the storyline. The subject regarding abortion and insemination is rather political and everyone has their personal views on it. It was very interesting to me about how the family was pushing the couple into insemination, yet their view were so opposite with abortion. What a contradiction. I wondered if all catholic families were like that, or if it a certain group of Catholics, maybe even more so Latino Catholics? I should explain why I feel it is such a contradiction. I personally feel that even though we all have the choice whether to abort or not, that if it was God’s plan for the life inside the womb, then it should be so. That is why I had a hard time understanding the family’s perspective regarding insemination. If it was God’s plan not to bless the couple with a child, then it should also be so.
ReplyDeleteMy view, is that though the family thought of the couple as selfish, I perceived it as the family was just as or even more selfish for pushing so hard. We all want things out of life. I wanted four children. I had four pregnancies with the result of three children (one tubal pregnancy.) Was that selfish of me to bring 3 children into this harsh world? How can I judge someone who can’t have children as selfish? I know of several people who were not able to have children. Some adopted, some chose not to. Is that selfish? One person that I know of in particular, is a wonderful loving person that gives of herself in many other ways. As a youth I belonged to a 4-H club. My 4-H leader was not able to have children either. Yet she touched so many children by being a 4-H leader.
In my view, the couple may have had their worldly life, yet they touched their friends daughter life, their nieces and nephews, and brought great love to each other. And in the end, they did something so great without wanting recognition. That should be enough.
To a certain extent, we are all selfish. We want what we want. What we need to ask ourselves is whether we are trying to control someone else’s life, are we manipulating them, pushing them into something that is not a good fit for them. Each person needs to make their own way in their own life.
I really did enjoy your book. It really made me think and question myself. Please continue to write. However, I do have one piece of advice. I have read several books. I find that there are certain words that even though they are common in our daily lives, they really detract from what you are trying to state. I read one book that used such language so often, I put it down and did not continue to read it. Colorful metaphors are a fact of life, but the vulgar ones tend to distract the reader. Instead, think of some that are creative and funny.
Thank you Marisol,
Debbie Fisch
I would strongly recommend this book to anyone who is contemplating the possibility of having children and has not found the answer within themselves to the question: Should I have a child. I must say that I was very moved by this book. I found myself relating my child bearing struggles, not just to one person, but a few characters in the book. This book really puts you into someone else's mind, providing a completely different view for the very same situation, that prior to reading this book, you may have felt very strongly about. I had 5 miscarriages before giving birth to the love of my life, my son. Shortly after my son was born, I was contemplating having another baby. Unfortunately at the time, the 5 miscarriages did not help my marriage and now I find myself raising my son as a single mother. At one time in my life, I saw this as perhaps, some kind of punishment for something wrong I had done. Now, my views have changed. I find myself thinking; I must have done right to have been blessed by such a wonderful gift. I love being a single mom. I love being able to pack my son up and drive 800 miles to visit my sister without anyone having anything to say about it. I come from a big family and I know the joys of having siblings, nephews, nieces and all the wonderful things that come from a big family. I wanted something similar for my son. Unfortunately then, but fortunately now, I knew I could not bear to lose another child and so, I did not attempt pregnancy again. At this moment in time, in my personal life, my views and opinions of child bearing have changed from where they were in previous years. I enjoy my freedom. My son is 10 at this time and is very self sufficient, smart and loves his mother. I could not envision my life with any other children taking away reading time, sports, attention and all the hugs and kisses that he lets me give him. I am impressed by the people who really know early on, if child bearing is for them or not, and go with it. I enjoyed the book because through my life, like I said, my feelings have change, therefore I was able to see and really grasp the feeling within a few characters in this book. The feelings of wanting more children were so strong and real at one point and now, with just my son, I feel so complete.
ReplyDeleteLupe/Washington State
Great blog everyone! We have always wanted to remain childless, and discussed it before we got married over 23 years ago. When I see and hear about most people's child-raising issues, I am ever more convinced that we did the right thing...for us. I don't have a huge tolerance for young children. I don't think my mom did either, and I could see how hard it was for her to raise me. My dad isn't fond of kids either. He does, like myself, connect well with teenagers, though. Because of this, we are fortunate that we do not have family bugging us about having kids. When I was in my 20's, friends would say "You'd be a great mom, you should have kids." Now they know not to even bother anymore. I have always made our views clear and stuck to them.
ReplyDeleteIn my 20's I led a church's jr. high/high school youth group for a few years and it was very fulfilling and rewarding. I liked being able to help and make a difference for the kids, but was super grateful I didn't have to take them home with me at night.
I don't know if I am selfish, but I don't have a problem being called selfish if it is. Like Clint Eastwood said, "A man's got to know his limitations." And I do.
Hello Marisol,
ReplyDeleteJust picked up a bookmarker from Copperfields with the info about your book. I can't wait to read it. I live in Santa Rosa. After my husband and I got married, we began trying to concieve. I had never craved children, in fact quite the reverse, but I now had some step children and I thought since we were going to be living the "family life" I should become a mother myself and find out what was so wonderful about it, as explained by my friends. I concieved several times but each time miscarried. Like you, I could have looked at high tech options or adoption but found myself not wanting to do either. Fast forward some years and my youngest step child just graduated from high school. Though I love my step-kids I am thrilled that I don't have another child in grammer school. I understand the chore of trying to explain to people that I am actually happy that I did not have a child (can't wait to get my passport back out and dust it off!).
I realize I'm a little windy here but it just felt nice to hear a few words from someone who seems to understand going against the grain of social norms.
Again, looking forward to reading the book.
Sincerely,
M.
Marisol,
ReplyDeleteI loved the book! I really enjoyed reading it and could not put it down. I think anyone, whether you have kids or not or contemplating kids you would enjoy this book. It has some great unexpected twists and turns. I am also glad that it shows that just because you don’t have children does not mean you don’t like them. There are so many options and opinions on this topic and the book did a great job of giving you different perspectives and made you think about the issue from various points of view. The book really hit home with me and my husband and I could relate so much to Kevin and Modra in the book. We ultimately decided not to have children by choice and I also come from a large catholic family. I am the youngest of 8 kids and I have 41 nieces and nephews with 2 more on the way. When my husband and I got married I was not sure if I could have children because of some medical issues and previous surgeries and luckily my husband was not sure he even wanted kids and was okay not having children. We have now been married 17 years and have been through quite a journey about our initial decision not to have children. In the 17 years of marriage we did discover that I could have children but it may require me to be bed ridden for a good portion of the pregnancy. My husband and I were very focused on work and climbing the corporate ladder and after reaching certain levels in my career and traveling all over the world for work, I started to question if that was enough in life for me and started to change my mind about having children. My husband and I went to counseling to try and figure it out because he never changed his mind and was very happy with our life and about our decision not to have children. In the end we did stick with our initial decision not to have children and decided if we were not going to have children, then we would take advantage of that and enjoy a life of travel and adventure. This is a decision that I do continue to struggle with at certain times of the year, especially around Mother’s Day and Christmas. But I love my husband and our life more than I love the idea of having children and I am glad that we did stick with our initial decision not to have children. We are fortunate to have lots of nieces, nephews and god children that we enjoy taking on vacation and giving them experiences that they would not otherwise be able to do so.
Marisol, I hope you keep writing and I look forward to your next book. I am going online right now to buy this book for 4 of my friends as gifts.
Good luck with the book!
Renee Deane
Hello Marisol: I'm suspect you thought you would never hear from
ReplyDeleteme, and for that I apologise - it has indeed been quite a long time since you gave me a copy of your book and asked if I would be kind enough to give my reactions once I had read it.
I read it on my return flight back from Australia, and enjoyed it. I particularly liked the ending which came as quite a surprise. I wondered how much of it was autobiographical - it came across as though it probably was although somehow the ending seemed
less so. The end was a little tidier than life normal turns out to
be!
You had asked about my not having children and whether or not that became an issue with people thinking my husband and I were being
selfish not to have any. The answer is basically, no. My husband
was several years older than me and already had children. We would have liked to have had children of our own but we ran into complications - mostly due to endometriosis on my part. All this happened before the days of good treatments, before fertility drugs and IVF etc. I think we could have pushed harder
and talked to more doctors, but for my husband, I felt it was not so easy given his age and the fact that he already had daughters. Even though he said he would not mind having another girl it was clear that he would really want a son at that point. I worried about how he really would react if he ended up with one more girl! It would have been fun to have children - but I also had the fear that they would be "my children" rather than "our children", in other words, my husband would have gone along with the plan to please me, not because he was anxious to have more children.
I know my parents were disappointed that I did not have children but they were too considerate to say anything about it. Likewise my
brothers and our friends would never have thought that we were being selfish by not having any. I have friends who made a very conscious decision not to have children and it never occurred to me that they were being selfish in this decision - quite the opposite. If they thought that their own dreadful childhood experiences would make them bad parents then they were being wise and selfless in choosing not to bring children of their own into the world. I find the concept of considering childless couples selfish hard to understand actually but then perhaps it is part of the Catholic culture that one must have children. Perhaps a Catholic reader would understand the selfish thing more readily.
I think perhaps I told you of the person I met in last year
- her mother had been denied communion by her priest because she stopped having children. The mother's decision had been made jointly with her husband based on doctor's recommendations and sound medical reasons but the Catholic priest was not satisfied and pretty much excluded the mother from the church for the rest of her life!
So - I don't know if any of the above comments are of interest or of help, but I'm passing them along as requested.
So, belatedly, you now have my thoughts on the book. I hope you
will continue to write ...I'd like to read more of your work when it is published.
with all best wishes to you, your husband, and Kenya
jennifer
Marisol,
ReplyDeleteThe book was great!! Whether you agree with your stance on the "to be a parent, or not be a parent..." question, it really forces you to face your own fears and questions you may have about raising children. I have always wanted to have kids at some point and I think the book brings all of the fears that people have about the "unknowns" of raising children to the surface. I found myself sometimes shocked (occasionally angered) with the statements made in the book, but I also realized it is nothing I have not thought of or worried about before also, but was I was raised to not dwell on those questions. Overall, the book was written in a way to pull emotion out of the reader. Writing it from a perspective much different than the "norm" (for a lack of a better word) forces the reader to evaluate what they want and what is important to them. With some of the opinions against raising children coming across brash at times, it confronted my beliefs and forced me to truly evaluate where I stood on issues. I finished the book having a better understanding of myself and what I am looking for in life.
Overall, a great book and I would suggest it to anyone!
Why on earth is it any more 'selfish' to not have kids because you don't want to than it would be to HAVE them because you DO want to?
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother of two and having friends that "decided" not to have children, I was very anxious to read your story. Having children was not an easy decision for me. I wasn't sure that I wanted any children while my husband wanted me to become pregnant right away. I hope your readers know that choosing to have children can be as difficult as deciding not to have children. Both can be rewarding and once you have made your decision don't look back just enjoy your life.
ReplyDeleteWEll said Mindy.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your novel. I enjoyed it very much - especially the ending. I also found it very healing.
ReplyDeleteI had an abortion at 21. I never wanted to have children if I couldn't be a happy, healthy mother. Although I considered having the baby and placing it up for adoption, I didn't think I could bear the idea of grieving my little girl everyday of my life. In my state, they wouldn't let you sign the adoption papers for 48 hours after giving birth - and they encouraged you to hold the baby before giving her up. Abortion seemed a lot easier at the time.
As I got older and still found myself unmarried without kids at 40, I wrestled with lots of grief from the abortion and a sense of desperation about being childless. I even found myself looking into adoption as a single mother but eventually decided I couldn't happily do it (working 50 hours a week and raising small children wouldn't make my heart sing no matter how wonderful kids may be). I also felt tremendous guilt about asking a young woman to have the strength to give her baby up for adoption when I couldn't do it.
I could relate on some level to all the major female characters in your book - the young girl facing an unplanned pregnancy, the woman who aborts and later grieves it, the desperate desire for children as a single woman, and the choice to be (selfish and) childless.
Reading your book gave me lots of food for thought and comforted me on so many levels. Thanks you so much!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/24/oklahoma-abortion-laws-fo_n_332607.html
ReplyDeleteOnly the person in the already difficult situation can make THE decision she has to live with whatever that decisoin is. I agree with Modra, there are regrets both ways.
Here are a couple of interesting article sent to me by readers.
ReplyDeletehttp://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/just-dreaming/article.aspx?cp-documentid=24682682>1=32001
http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/
Enjoy.
First of all, thank you very much for writing about this taboo issue!
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm not really getting is why you're writing about "choosing" to remain childless. Sure, some people do and it's neither more or less right or wrong or selfish than to have babys. But the biologically "infertile" didn't "choose". It's not a choice to have a medical problem. It's not even a "choice" when to stop treatment: Just a very hard decision often made at the point when all money has been spent and mental healt requires a stop... Neither did the the "childless by circumstance" "choose"! This is one of the most hurtful things... Yes I "chose" my partner. And I "chose" to wait with trying for a baby til i was 33 years old. But did I "choose a career over babys"? Not really. My parents wanted me to get the best education possible. So i went to uni. And once i got it, i felt i wanted to contribute to society with all the stuff i had learned. When i was in my late twenties, i had learned all about contraception for many years but never ever had anyone told me "start babys now, because you might have a problem getting pregnant and when you realize this in your 30ies it might be too late". And i didn't "choose" a partner with an erection AND a fertility problem. And when these problems emerged, i didn't "choose" to be childless by staying with him: My reasons for staying were, if i'm honest, a mix of love (yes!! and in the first place!!), a fear of loosing him and being alone...and fear of loosing the opportunity for a baby and a family. And i definitely didn't choose for my partner to decide he didn't want kids anyway (after 4 years of trying) and to question and end the relationship.
btw: i only read this blog, not the book
ReplyDeleteElli, I appreciate your comments and I encourage you to read the book. My choice was not to pursue children by all means possible; I chose to accept the cards that were dealt. I didn't adopt, I didn't use in-vetro or a surrogate- I chose to remain childless.
ReplyDeletei agree with the other views is up to u if u want or don't want children, i think that god give us all choices and everything happen for a reason and u being a childless person is for the best just imagine if u had a child what would have happen like u said " if the child i carrying has down syndrome or some other disease".i don't have any kids myself and i'm not planning of having any but if it happen it happen thanks god for that. and my friends has kids i don't feel bad of me not having a child and for me its for the best if i don't have children thats ok i chose to remain childless.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI read this and smiled. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.
http://www.childfree.net/potpourri_annlanders.html