June 20, 2013: The Book A Selfish Life? has been made available ONLINE FOR FREE at WWW.ASELFISHLIFE.COM
Is choosing to remain childless selfish? When I found myself unable to have a baby by natural conception, I began wondering and questioning myself; my morals; my ethics; and my motives. I lost countless nights of sleep on the “what if’s” of life: What if I don’t have the patience required to do the job? What if I lose my baby at an early age? What if I’m told the child I’m carrying has down syndrome or some other disease? How will I react?
I questioned whether I could make the necessary decisions to ensure the best outcome for my child and worried about failing as a mother. After draining myself of the “what if’s”, I began to wonder whether I was truly committed to having a baby or whether I was just following the herd. Nature was the one that said no to me so why did I feel so guilty? Why, after years of trying to become pregnant, did I feel so guilty when I finally gave up and chose to live my life on a whim? Why did I care so much about what everyone around me thought? Was I worried about disappointing my family? Was I worried about losing our friends?
A couple we met in Australia once said to us, “You will suddenly find that you have nothing in common with your friends. Once they start having children they stop having that glass of wine. You'll want to hang out but they won't be able to because they have to be home by nine. And, unless you make the effort to meet them on their “child proof” terms, you will most likely lose that friendship with time." Our Australian friends smiled at our dismay and added, "But you will survive. And you will move on. And you will eventually find new friends. And to your old friends, you will always live “A Selfish Life?””. Well, unfortunately, our Australian friends were right.
Now that we're at the end of our childbearing journey, I have decided that choosing to remain childless is the most difficult choice a couple or an individual will ever make. The decision doesn't come lightly: if you’re in a same sex relationship, you probably lose sleep worrying about the quality of life society will allot your child; If you’re a worry wart, like myself, you lose sleep worrying about everything under the sun that could go wrong; If you’re infertile, you are probably completely stressed out as you’re going over your financial resources and your alternatives respectively; and if you’re career driven, maybe life just took too long to come together and you find yourself out of time and scrambling. We (the childless by choice or circumstance) are the people who are forced to dwell on our actions and the consequences-either way. Unlike the larger part of society, my suspicion being that for the most part they simply follow the flow of the river, we have a heavier burden to carry.
I've decided that it’s unfair to judge the decisions made by those who find themselves in the difficult position of having to choose between children and sanity. Having gone through the mental and emotional processing- yes processing- of remaining childless; and learning to accept the regret that may lie down the road ahead, I truly don’t wish it on anyone. It is a fact that there are regrets both ways and, the truth is, unless you are the person forced to make the choice, it really is almost impossible for an observer to grasp and understand a person’s circumstance. The “what if’s” in life combined with the pressures of life, religion, and society can almost be maddening.
(Please comment on circumstance not judgment.)
